25 Central postcard

This morning while looking for a picture of myself in my cowboy hat again, came across this. Made a postcard to send to Paul & Sheree. TK made the shirt. I was at the top of Il Duomo in Florence, Italy and a couple Smithies saw my shirt and squealed "Oh My God! We Love 25 Central!" - always workin'/never workin'.

15 (meant for storytelling event)

(Make that sha sha sha backward guitar intro, then point)

When I hear the beginning of Jimi Hendrix’s Are You Experienced, I am transported back to 15. That’s not a place I like to visit often, but since Jimi’s taking me there, I go.

When I was 15 I had a crush on a guitar-playin’ boy from Westfield. He loved Hendrix. I bought Are You Experienced to learn something about the boy. And partly so we’d have something to talk about and partly to be cool, but mostly to see if we liked the same things. The boy is inconsequential now, but, he’s still the boy who gave me Hendrix.

15 was the worst year of my life. I didn’t really think I was going to make it. I felt completely alone. Everything I wanted, I was told was wrong. And everything people wanted from me felt like a lie. I listened to Jimi. How did he do that? How did that young black man write a song for a future sad white girl? How do you be a virtuoso ground-breaking guitar-playing singing song-writing 20 something year old playing the National Anthem at Woodstock? And how can he also seduce 15 year old me from the grave? And why did he have to die young? And Lord, how do you be a person that people will discover and keep discovering as long as there are people, and maybe change people’s lives, maybe even save some, when you was just a guitar obsessed kid? A kid.

So when Jimi asked the question, then offered his hand to watch the sun rise from the bottom of the sea – I wanted to go. I knew I might drown. 15 sure felt like drowning. I was prepared to risk it for the chance I could be saved.

Maybe songs can save people. Maybe all the moments of beauty and connection save us all. You just gotta not drown.

Inconsequential boy also gave me little bit a Thin Lizzy. And honestly, “If that chick don’t wanna know, forget her”.

Gemutlichkeit (umlaut on u)

There was a split seam on my FIL's sweater. My sweet SIL knows I am a mender and suggested me for the repair. I stitched the hole closed and washed the sweater. I wrapped the sweater carefully with tissue paper in the folding and out. I made a card like I have a mending/laundering business (which perhaps I do, I'm never sure about that kind of stuff). Jim will ship it to Chicago tomorrow. I used the tissue paper that came with some super fancy shower products that my MIL bought me for Christmas years back (Baltimore days).It was serious lux goods.
I was raised on Gemutlichkeit. And: directness, hard work, refugee immigrant frugality.

Not challenging

Day 7: What are you taking with you from this Challenge?

I'm not really taking anything away from this challenge. I haven't even figured out yet how to get my post on the tumblr (but I suppose I don't really care). We'll see if this one prompts a verification email. I did figure out what WYSIWYG tho', so that's cool.

I've gone ahead and posted each question and answer on my own blog, so I did the work and it's there for anyone that cares to look. Because I don't know if my posts made it to the tumblr, I didn't do the #yourturnchallenge promoting, but I haven't read the book, so maybe that's for the best too. I read Seth Godin's blog regularly and it reinforces my own ideas and feelings right now, and I appreciate that very much. I wanted to do the challenge as an act of repayment for keeping me focused on what I believe, even when it's hard to believe. I don't really buy things anymore, and don't have an allowance right now and the book isn't at the library - so I will read it or not, when it's possible.

I guess I chose myself a long time ago. All those stupid and brilliant decisions, they're all mine. I've never felt that institutions or society knew more than I did about what was best for me. Looking back on my life, I feel like I made the right decisions for me. And if I was making decisions in my 20's that seem brilliant now, why shouldn't I think the decisions I am making at 50 will seem equally brilliant to me when I'm 80. Guess I will find out, or not. Today, I am proud of myself.

Nemesis 2

Day 6: Tell us about a time when you surprised yourself.

I surprise myself pretty regularly. Usually it's because I'm being an imbecile, or saying something stupid or getting too excited about something. I know I'm weird, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm always a hopin' that I can be smoother.

But sometimes, when I most surprise myself, when I am shouting at myself in my head, "shut the f up, just stop, stop, f-ing stop talking, walk away" - there I am still being an idiot. I experience simultaneity at these times. A sense of watching myself and advising myself and yelling and stomping and my idiotic self is there just giving me the finger.

It was the last night of a conference in Puerto Rico 2010. My nemesis #2 (being polite and not using names) was being his usual self, trying to get some dumb razing thing going. Everyone was busting on everyone and I joined the fray. I wasn't really saying anything different than anyone else, but I seemed to be annoying nemesis 2 more than the others. He walked away. I said, "I don't think nemesis 2 likes me much" and he spun around and unleashed a furious and ridiculous attack.

I did not want to fight with him, especially in front of work people I admired and respected, but he was coming at me. I had to defend myself. I was flooded with adrenaline and just trying to hold my own and not freak out. It was actually kind of easy to shut his bullshit down because he's stupid, but it was SUPER stressful. It's not a wise professional move to argue with a director in front of vps. I worked very hard at my job and had the respect of many people I admired. I worried I was destroying 7 years worth of impressive work and those good connections.

It's a fascinating story, but too long for this. In the end I shut it down. I spent hours pacing in my hotel room, writing down every detail, obsessing over the best way to handle it. I asked a great person for advice. I hated the advice but took it anyway. Couple months later, that vp who witnessed the whole thing, quoted me at dinner. Most people at the table had no idea what he was talking about. He was surprised that I hadn't shared the story with my management team. I explained I shared it with my director (right thing to do) and with ma girls (because I love them and they have my back and I needed to vent) but that I didn't tell anyone else because it made nemesis 2 look bad. VP says, "you are the nicest girl". I just about cried. That fight was so intense and the whole time I was worried that I was destroying my career to find out I actually impressed a person I like, respect and always tried to impress. It's shit like that keeps me acting like an idiot.

Stay Free

Day 5: What advice would you give for getting unstuck?

I’ve gotten myself unstuck many a time. The situations were different and so were the plans, decisions and solutions. This is how I go about it.

Admit I am stuck. Then think about the most glorious way of unsticking. Sometimes just thinking about the actions that would make me proud, gets me moving in the right direction. I focus on my next step, the action I can take that will get me moving. That alone, the action, immediately makes me feel better. Sometimes I realize I can just walk away that minute. Sometimes I need to plan for it.

For me, feeling stuck is so awful that anything I have to do seems worth it. Along the way, the steps become clearer and I build momentum. Then there I am, on the other side of stuck, feeling all smart and accomplished.

Unoffendable

Day 4: Teach us something that you do well.

In my new life I came up with the concept that I am “unoffendable”. It’s not really a super easy thing to teach in this manner and I suppose I spent a lifetime getting here. But I started saying it, and started practicing it and now I’m convinced I believe it.

When I questioned myself I couldn’t figure out one positive thing, anything of value, any way that feeling offended served me. Not a one. So I let it go. Poof. Same world, same people, people are stupid sometimes. But now, if someone is an idiot or behaves in a way that I could choose to be offended by – I just feel appreciative. I think, gosh, thank you SO much for being such an unequivocal idiot! Thank you SO much for announcing it so clearly. I don’t have to spend any more time on you! So efficient! (In my head of course) There are so many amazing people in my life that I don’t get to enjoy enough, and you’ve saved me from spending time on you. Perfect. Grazi!

Now of course, everyone has the chance to change my mind. But the onus is on them to make it happen. And it has happened! Kind of spectacularly at times. There is a guy I have interacted with only twice in my life. First time, he would have been categorized as “negative forgettable”, second time he jumped to “positive memorable”. He owned up. He thanked me. Damn straight of him.

There's Alotta Improvin' To Be Had

Day 3: Tell us about something that you think should be improved.

I think Day 3’s question could be improved. Something that I think should be improved - huh? There are so many billions of answers, how do I choose? Most things could be improved. Or, if I am meant to take this question very seriously, like say, I currently work at UMass Amherst and so I should list how I think it could be improved – right? Sure, I got answers. I got tons of stuff to say. I gots about 60 pages of documentation on a bullying environment. I’ve started to think of it in terms of a book, or an article. So yeah, there’s a thing. But to me, ramblin’ on and on, on soc med about some insights I have about higher education – is dumb. I have to write the serious article or book for it to be taken seriously. For me, ramblin’ here would be show-boatin’, blow-hardin’, whatever the term. Buncha sidelines laziness. But I would like to see an improvement in my street food options.

Naked Friday Meetings

Maybe people don't like when middle-aged women use the words "nude" and "naked".

Day 2: Tell us about something that’s important to you.

One of the most important things in my life is my marriage. I love it and I work hard at it. And I would never hope for loving without hard work. For me, that’s the beauty.

When my husband and I decided to open a business together, our marriage went through some hard times. We were in the research, planning, discussion phase and every conversation was a disaster. It was awful. I knew if we couldn’t figure out how to communicate as business partners, there was no point in opening a business. But during those hard times, we both wondered privately if it might be the end of our marriage.

The marriage was more important to me. But I believed we could have both. I had to find a solution. First, instead of random business conversations being forced on you, I decided we should meet weekly. Then, I decided we should be naked. I figured, it would be damn hard to maintain animosity in the face of nudity. The tone changed. The weekly meetings helped. It got to be a habit we loved. Every Friday, take your clothes off, grab your notes and meet in bed. It saved our business communication and actually helped our marriage communicatin’ too.

Turning 50 To-Do List

I wrote this thing on my birthday, for this blog thing. The timing was right, so I figured what the hell. I read Seth Godin's blog daily. This seemed like a good way to return the favor and promote his new book. The idea being when your post shows up on the blog, you get an email, and then you soc med it on yer FB, ig, twitter whatevers. BUT, I just did my 4th submission and have received no confirmations that it posted. Could be a tech thing. OR maybe it's a psychological test! How many people who don't get confirmations stick with the rules? So I'm puttin' the shit here.

Day 1: Why are you doing the Your Turn Challenge?

I turned 50 January 19^th 2014. To honor the milestone, I made a to-do list for my year of 50. It included things like: give blood, pose nude, do stand-up comedy. The comedy scared me most. I figured if I wrote it down and talked about it, I would take the steps to make it happen. The self-determination of the idea intrigued me. Could I overcome a fear simply by adding it to a list? I aimed to find out.

Within the first weeks of 50, I found myself doing something I really didn’t want to do: stand up to bullying. I consider myself a stand-up person and have faced many bullies in life. I wasn’t afraid; I was annoyed. I knew what I was signing up for and it was tension, ostracism, vigilance, persistence and tons of documenting. I didn’t want to do it because I was busy and I knew it would take time and energy. But I completely realized I was the only one who would do it. I felt utterly obligated. I had to do the right thing.

Stand-up comedy was on my list because it terrified me, but I thought I could do it. I knew I could face a bully, but I didn’t want to do it out of laziness and self-interest. I added it to the list, to force myself. Maybe the biggest moments in your life aren’t the ones you add to a to-do list, but the things that find you and how you respond.

I spent many hours preparing for my 6 minutes of comedy. A few friends were there and a few have watched the video on YouTube. I did the hardest thing on my list and I am proud of myself. Fighting bullying took a lot more time and energy, and it made no difference and was only noticed by a few. I am prouder of that work.

It’s my birthday today. I read Seth Godin’s blog every day. The timing seemed perfect. I have things to say. That’s why I am doing the #yourturnchallenge

Navigating Treacherous Terrain

It's icy and treacherous on the streets of Northampton this here birthday. I stared at the ground in front of me as I walked to FOE - and that reminded me of this story (I also found 26 cents). I have a bunch of stories done for my working title "Martinizing Holyoke" zine. I hopes to get it done someday, but why not put a story here, especially when the weather has re-created the memory for me, right? I mean, I could die, or get swept up in other projects, right? I write stories. I find that so awesome. What's it matter if anyone reads 'em? I can't care about that. They'll get read or they won't. I'm just proud I wrote it down.

MOT

I left my friend’s home and headed up Congress Ave toward our house. I focused on the ground as my white rubber pull-on boots navigated the ice and puddles on the sidewalk.  When I looked up to gage how much treacherous terrain remained, I noticed my little brother. He was sitting in a puddle at the base of the neighbor’s driveway. I wondered if he might be stupid. He was a little kid. At an age where my mother would have tied his hood tight and clipped on his mittens. But still, I wondered.

When I got closer I saw he was bawling his eyes out and feeling around the slushy puddle with his soaking wet mittens. Seeing him so sad and pathetic softened me up and I asked what was wrong. Through snotty, choking sobs he told me he got hit in the mouth with a snowball and his loose tooth fell out. He needed to find it or the tooth fairy wouldn’t leave him a quarter. My little heart was breaking for my sad sack baby bro. I wanted to fix everything. I knelt down and looked in the puddle; I didn’t see a tooth. I don’t know what I said, but it amounted to something like, “The tooth fairy is all-knowing, like Santa. She can hear your cries and won’t forget you tonight.You’ve been brave little brother and did your best to find your tooth. She loves you because you tried. We’ll put a note under your pillow for the tooth fairy and she will leave you a quarter.” He stopped crying. He looked at me with his big blue eyes, totally believing my story.