Nemesis 2

Day 6: Tell us about a time when you surprised yourself.

I surprise myself pretty regularly. Usually it's because I'm being an imbecile, or saying something stupid or getting too excited about something. I know I'm weird, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm always a hopin' that I can be smoother.

But sometimes, when I most surprise myself, when I am shouting at myself in my head, "shut the f up, just stop, stop, f-ing stop talking, walk away" - there I am still being an idiot. I experience simultaneity at these times. A sense of watching myself and advising myself and yelling and stomping and my idiotic self is there just giving me the finger.

It was the last night of a conference in Puerto Rico 2010. My nemesis #2 (being polite and not using names) was being his usual self, trying to get some dumb razing thing going. Everyone was busting on everyone and I joined the fray. I wasn't really saying anything different than anyone else, but I seemed to be annoying nemesis 2 more than the others. He walked away. I said, "I don't think nemesis 2 likes me much" and he spun around and unleashed a furious and ridiculous attack.

I did not want to fight with him, especially in front of work people I admired and respected, but he was coming at me. I had to defend myself. I was flooded with adrenaline and just trying to hold my own and not freak out. It was actually kind of easy to shut his bullshit down because he's stupid, but it was SUPER stressful. It's not a wise professional move to argue with a director in front of vps. I worked very hard at my job and had the respect of many people I admired. I worried I was destroying 7 years worth of impressive work and those good connections.

It's a fascinating story, but too long for this. In the end I shut it down. I spent hours pacing in my hotel room, writing down every detail, obsessing over the best way to handle it. I asked a great person for advice. I hated the advice but took it anyway. Couple months later, that vp who witnessed the whole thing, quoted me at dinner. Most people at the table had no idea what he was talking about. He was surprised that I hadn't shared the story with my management team. I explained I shared it with my director (right thing to do) and with ma girls (because I love them and they have my back and I needed to vent) but that I didn't tell anyone else because it made nemesis 2 look bad. VP says, "you are the nicest girl". I just about cried. That fight was so intense and the whole time I was worried that I was destroying my career to find out I actually impressed a person I like, respect and always tried to impress. It's shit like that keeps me acting like an idiot.